Female breadwinners can struggle with prioritizing their careers over the careers of their partners.
Being the Female Breadwinner is Hard
When I was a little kid, people used to tell me jokingly “marry rich” and I would reply “I’m going to be rich and someone is going to want to marry me!”
That has always been my philosophy, until recently. I was so proud when I first broke 6-figures in my job.
I loved the power of having the money to buy what I wanted, when I wanted. I also liked taking care of my fiancé. Being the “sugarmama” felt good!
I’m kind of over that now. While we view our money as a joint pot and not separate accounts, we still have the elephant in the room when it comes to finances.
It’s that elephant that forces us to choose my job over his because it has greater earning potential and is better for our family long-term.
I also find my work rewarding, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about prioritizing my career over his.
The Added Pressure
There is also added pressure that comes with being the breadwinner.
My income supports our lifestyle. What we should have done was choose a lifestyle that we could contribute to 50/50 but we didn’t and now it’s created this monstrosity that I feel responsible for maintaining.
It also makes him feel bad at times when I’m always picking up the check.
If we had prioritized his career over mine a few years ago, we wouldn’t be in this position.
We wouldn’t be as well off financially but he would be in a better place with his career. Our incomes might be more equal.
I would never go back in time and change anything since our decisions have led to great success professionally and personally – but maybe we can change the decisions we make from here on out.
The Ticking Biological Clock
Also, I’m turning 27 this weekend and my biological clock is starting to enter my mind.
There was a time in my late teen years when I didn’t believe in having kids. I was one of those women that wanted to focus on their career and having kids seemed to slow that down.
Sometime in the last decade my mind has changed and I want kids. Maybe not at 27 but at some point.
I remember freshman year of college having a conversation with one of my friends about our career aspirations. I wanted to be a CEO. She wanted to be a stay at home mom. My mouth opened in shock. What?! You’re going to this incredible school to just waste it to stay at home?!
Well flash forward a decade and it turns out that I am right there with her. I understand the appeal of the stay-at-home mom.
Feeling like I’m Giving Up
I’m a big fan of Sheryl Sandberg and love “Lean In.”
I’m in the Women’s Business Network at work.
I attended the Grace Hopper Celebration this past October which is one of the largest gatherings of women in technology in the world.
I also try to be extremely supportive of other women in the office and try to avoid perpetuating stereotypes.
Am I giving up and being hypocritical by stepping out of the race just because it’s hard? I don’t even have kids yet!
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I want more freedom and flexibility in my job while also continuing to achieve success. Do those have to be two opposite paths?
Luckily companies have improved their maternity and paternity policies in recent years which is huge for working parents.
Perhaps by the time I have kids, policies will be even more supportive.
Is anyone else in this boat? What are your thoughts?
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I hope that you guys can find a way to balance all you want. I am an Exercise Physiologist, we live in the poorest county in our state. Even with a Master’s degree I have not been able to find full time employment where we live, not even a minimum wage job. My husband designs hardware, software and firmware for embedded systems. He found a full time job locally while we were both in grad school and has a higher earning potential so his career is the one we decided to focus on.
Last year he launched his own consulting firm, I handle the books for him. I adjunct at the local university when they have a need. For me to get a full time job we would have to move to a higher cost of living area where people have disposable income. With what I could expect to earn, the need for a second car and daycare for our two youngest children, our combined income there wouldn’t go as far as the one income does here.
Thanks! Also thank you for sharing your story. It’s crazy how one income can go farther than two when you consider the cost of daycare and all other expenses.
Wow, so many variables to consider. I think you are in a really tough spot with needing to move to truly support your husband’s career. My wife and I have had a really tough time trying to pick whose career should be prioritized. She’s getting her masters in counseling right now but really what she would love to do is research. And that basically requires a phd. And to get a phd….you most likely have to move. She just barely missed getting into the U of M phd program her second time applying (acceptance rates are ridiculous for clinical psych, like 2%…) so the obvious solution is to move. We haven’t even ruled out living apart for a year or two if necessary, but it’s really not ideal. My career is going well at my current company and it’s a lot to sacrifice if we up and move for her phd. I honestly would be fine dropping my career if I had a business or businesses that were netting me as much or more than my current career, but it’s a big if. I have a slightly different perspective than some because in my ideal world I would not be in corporate America but instead be running a business. I’ve pushed pretty hard at side hustles in part because of this career conundrum between the two of us, and I finally may have a product that could push me over the edge (not the book, though the book is still a fun product to promote!). We’ll see how it pans out. For now she has a couple years left of her masters which buys me some time. It’s tough when you have to make a decision quick that could have huge implications long-term. I don’t think I have any good advice to give you but I would just encourage you to be content with whatever choice you and your husband end up making.
Sounds like you two are in a similar boat and your decision is a few years down the road. Maybe by that time your business will be doing well and you can step away. I am hoping that this move is the kick in the butt I need to get some of my side hustles off the ground. Maybe after a year or so, I can go out on my own and we can move to wherever he needs to be. Thanks for your support!
You’re not being hypocritical. Being a strong woman means making informed choices that take your own, and not just the man’s, needs and desires into account. Going back to work is extremely difficult and impressive. Staying home with the kids is extremely difficult and impressive — especially if you’re giving up a lot of money and power to do so.
Based on your comments, I’m guessing there’s no chance that you could do what you do at least partially from home? Or switch to being a freelancer once kids come? I also assume that your fiance isn’t in a field that would allow him to freelance his way into a business?
Being the female breadwinner is tough. My husband can’t work, which creates its own set of difficulties. Still, I don’t have to worry about how my career would affect him, so I guess I’m lucky in that sense.
I think you need to worry less about which career to prioritize and more on how to best reach your goals. If you want FI, you need to sit down and figure out what it takes to get there. Then work backward from that. How much do you need to be putting away? How much do you need in savings? How much does he need to be making if you quit?
That should help you figure out your next set of moves. And of course you need to figure out if you can create a financial scenario where you’d be okay staying at home for at least as long as it takes to get all kids into kindergarten. And whether you’d be able to get back into the field if you take 5 years off.
You could also investigate a scenario (depending on your field, of course) where you’d both go down to part-time. You’d take less of a hit financially, but someone could always be home with the kids. And you’d still have an income if one of you got laid off. And you’ll still have your hand in the business if/when you’re ready to get back to full-time. But not all jobs can be done part-time, so I know that may not be feasible.
My (very long) point being, figuring out what you need in the future you want will make it much easier to decide what career choices each of you needs to make. It also means that it’s a decision that won’t be made because one career is deemed more important (which can lead to friction or even resentment) but because there are moves necessary in each career to secure the future you both want.
That’s a great approach and we may just do that tonight! Thank you!
I also never thought about the double part-time which may be an option for us as well. I think it’s more likely to happen in my field than his but definitely an option. I also was thinking about switching to a work from home position for a few years to test the waters, which may be doable with the experience that I will get from this new company. Thank you for your ideas!
You know, suddenly being single doesn’t seem so bad. If I get a job offer, I consult with me, myself and I and no one else. I like getting to be selfish sometimes 🙂
But I wish you luck in your decision. It doesn’t sound easy no matter what road you pick. Let me know what you decide!
Yup, planning for two is certainly more complicated! Thank you! I’ll let you know.
Thank you for writing this. I too am a female breadwinner in my relationship. But unlike your situation, my boyfriend doesn’t have the same earning potential I do because he’s a teacher. A noble profession, but one that doesn’t really have much hope of paying well unless he decides later on to go into administration. I too had the exact mantra of wanting to be the rich one a man wanted to marry instead of the other way around, but I too feel that it can be exhausting that I’ll never be able to opt out and be a SAHM (still not something I’m interested in, but the option would be nice). We’re almost the exact same age, I turn 27 in May, so I empathize with a lot of these pain points. It’s really nice to see it articulated and so thought out. I’m looking forward to following the journey for you and see how you traverse this delicate topic.
P.S. Props to your fiance for being so supportive of you being the female bread winner and not feeling intimidated/emasculated.
Thank you! He’s so supportive. I’m very lucky!
Glad to see another woman in the same situation. You go girl! 🙂
Is there a female breadwinner support group/club? Lol Would love to be in one. Thank you for this and the most recent article on this.
That’s a very interesting conundrum to have. Finding a way to balance two professionals career certainly isn’t easy.
My wife is going back to school across the country. Since she’s followed me a few times I’ve decided to follow her on this one. It takes some finagling, but I think it’ll work out well for both of us. Sometimes, the most difficult situations can become win-win!
Thanks, Rob! Maybe the next move will be for him!
This is SO AWESOME and oh my goodness can I ever relate. My boyfriend is a few years older than I am so he has a head start on his career, but we’re at a bit of an inflection point where my career trajectory may begin to pass his in terms of earning potential and time demands (increased travel, evenings and weekends, etc.) I’m 27 too, so I’m definitely looking at this all through the kids lens as well, even if it’s on the far end of 3-5 years away for me too! We’re lucky that we haven’t had to make any hard choices yet in terms of career prioritization, but who knows – it could definitely happen. I’m lucky that he’s been very supportive and open minded whenever we talk about the possibilities (including taking some of the parental leave if we have kids, so I don’t have to be out of work for the full year we get in Canada – I know, we’re spoiled.)
I love how open you are about this stuff – I find not enough people talk about it! So so so glad we connected!
Same! Glad to hear from someone else in a similar spot! One of the reasons I want to reach financial independence quickly is so we don’t have to make that trade off when we have kids. Also – one year – that’s amazing!
I’m a female breadwinner too and I really resonated with your post. I have 2 kids and I find the reality is you can’t ‘have it all’. I’ve struggled with this and have worked part time since our kids were 1 and even then I still earn more than my husband. I’ve chosen this path because I just can’t face the thought of being away from my kids, even though I love my work. I’m not trying to be a downer, just that this is the reality for me. Unfortunately I find there is still a stigma attached to working part time and either consciously or unconsciously I have limited my career choices. But I wouldn’t change it for the world, kids put it all in perspective. Having said that, you should be proud of your career and your achievements, you deserve it.
Thank you! Sounds like you were able to implement a plan that works for your family. Part-time is a great option that I will hopefully consider when I get to that point as well. Too bad about the stigma of it though. I’ve already seen labels placed on women with kids in the office and it’s disheartening.
Also bear in mind that how you feel now may not be the way that you feel when you actually have kids. Some people love being SAHMs and others realize they need to go back to work for their own sanity. I work by necessity–I feel like my ideal would be working 3 or 4 days a week instead of 5– and am primary breadwinner but husband does have more flexibility with job so does a lot of appointments, errands, etc. on weekdays. Circumstances can also change where you may have to work or otherwise adapt. (For instance, layoffs.) I always pictured myself being a SAHM more than likely, because that’s what I had as a child. However, that cannot be the case in my situation, but I’ve learned to appreciate the positives of having our child in daycare/”school” (incredible socialization, learning beyond anything that I would have taught her, vocabulary off the charts, etc.–and most importantly, she loves it). Anyway, just found your blog through Broke Millennial and love it.
Thank you!! And that’s a great point that you never really know the situation you’ll be in until you have kids. What I’m thinking I’ll do now could totally change. Awesome that your daughter is getting so much out of daycare too!!
God, being a female breadwinner is HARD. It’s simply not the same, esp if you want a family (I have a lot of thoughts on this and a post brewing, after recently reading When She Makes More.)
A good friend of mine is in a similar boat – wants to stay home but makes more. Her husband is working toward getting a well paying job so that can happen.
I don’t think I want to stay home – but the thing is you just never know, right? I sometimes find it hard to leave the dogs; how much harder will it be to leave a baby?
I find it SO HARD to leave my dog! I can totally relate! I only imagine what it will feel like with a human! Looking forward to your post.
It is very difficult to balancing two career specially when you are female breadwinner. It is tough to mange both career and home. Though female have that much power that we can easily handle this.
Yup! We got this!